Something nice to look at......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_mxnYJdQi4

Tell me I'm nuts not to want to gobble up this eye candy.......shit!

APB, your focused attention is needed.....

If you see this man anywhere......can you please tell him to come to my house and ransack my "pocketbook".....Be aware that he carries a dangerous weapon and is skilled at using it with devastating consequences. He weilds this sword with recless abandonment and it has been caught on camera. Beware of the danger.....

he really is this dumb & that's what should have warned us 8 years ago....

The only real value this man has brought to the white house is his real ability to be a retard and make us laugh. it also shows us that money can't buy intellect but money can buy you many ways to protect your dumb ass from your own stupidity even if it's at the cost of millions of people.
I hope the future learns something from this dreadful 8 year mistake that will take centuries to correct.
Wonder if all this stupid shit will ever make it to the "make believe" history books that we teach our children with.....thank God for the internet, where these people can't buy a hush hush history profile.
Without going into a political fit......
I thought this was a classic funny......does he even care what a brazillian would be if it were a number?

Creative ways to get SOME.....dick

I have a horrible feeling that this will be me someday.....and old lady so desperate for sex, I will knit a sweater or a cock sock for it. At least she is smiling, maybe this strategy works for her and there is hope for me. Maybe she can will me the hat when she dies.....if I don't die first from not getting any.......

I call him "Ass Monkey" for a reason.

OK.....if there is anyone who reads this and knows me.....you know that I have been working 12 hour days and from March 1st to April 12th, I have had 4 days off. Why? you ask.....cause in my idiot head, I was thinking that if I work some more I will make money to pay bills and keep the house afloat. Well, the universe had some other ideas for my money.

Lets start at the beginning of this little tale of woe. Ryan my son, who has been a simple work of art for me since and even prior to his arrival.....seems to be unusually disconnected to the reality we all share. He is a Leo and he is represented by the sun in his astrological place in the sky which of course makes him the center of everything . When he was little, we called him " King Louie the 14Th, the Sun King" for his grandiose ideas of his separateness from everything else the rest of us are responsible for. i know, he starting to sound like a serial killer at this point but hold on.

Every year of school was a nightmare and every teacher wanted to love him because he is also like that. But he is also sooooo capable of being the biggest asshole. There was a point in 6th grade where they had to do this full psychological battery of tests to determine if he was having a learning disability or a deep psychological disorder, yeah..... let find out what that might be. Well anyway, in 6th grade, he had the reading level of a college student and had no discerning learning disability. They gave him a diagnosis of " Oppositional defiance Disorder". As I am sitting in the office with all these education professional, watching them seriously deliver Ryan's diagnosis, they give me this horrible news. yet good news, because we now have a diagnosis. I start laughing, I mean really laughing and they don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

So, I say to them.......Awesome....he's an ASSHOLE. When did we come out with a diagnosis for being an asshole? That would have come in handy when I was a kid in school.

Well anyway,my kids don't go to jail for anything big or worthy, for which I should be happy but they go to jail for dumb ass things. here is Ryan's criminal history....

age 15: steals an American flag because his friend was too much of a pussy to do it and Ryan wanted to show him how to be a man. Almost got his ass kicked from a crazed neighbor chasing the boys with a baseball bat because I guess this asshole sits up at 2:30 in the AM waiting for these atrocities to occur. Cops bring the kids home and we all return the flag to the elderly couple who didn't know that it was gone or why 15 year olds needed a flag so bad.

age16: Ryan is with some friends in a Meijers in Grand Haven when he is dared to steal a CD, value of 16.00. Let's not forget to mention the point that I have an I tunes account for which I am very generous in allowing my kids to buy music. So he steals it to show his balls are bigger than the others and gets caught.We go to Ottawa court house where they apparently don't have any mercy for first offenders nor do they have a payment plan like Muskegon. His fine 250.00 to be paid ASAP or the boy goes to jail.So, i write a bad check for 250.00 and pay my overdraft fee of 37.00 to save him from the perils of jail time.Also gets a civil fine from meijers for 200.00, right.

age18: I am vague about this stuff but he gets a ticket for driving his car without his license. Does not pay it, gets pulled over again and goes to jail.Sits in jail for the night playing "monopoly with the brothers", apparently had a great time except for not getting his 200.00 for passing GO because the brothers said he was white and didn't need the money so they took it and split it up among themselves.Cost to bail him out the next day 100.00 and a payment plan to pay the rest of his fees. Also at this time he gets a parking ticket in Lansing and doesn't pay. Somewhere along the way, his car gets towed and impounded. Dad pulls the car out, pays the parking tickets and gets the car home, cost 250.00. We still have the ticket unpaid for the lack of license, he gets pulled over and thrown in jail again. There he sits and I pay his bail, about 150.00 and he pays the rest. So now for over a year sits some misdemeanor traffic crime in Lansing that I am not even aware of except I am told there is something on his record when I pay to reinstate his license 40.00. So I tell him and give him the number to call to address this, he doesn't. he goes to Lansing the other night and I remind him of the outstanding something and he blows me off.

Guess who gets pulled over?

Ryan then goes to jail in Lansing county, I get the call from his friends at 2am. I knew right away he was in jail. What sucked was he was in Lansing, now I love my boys but a Lansing road trip was not in the cards for me.Plus I was just pissed at the inconvenience of it all. So the next 2 days unfold with numerous calls to his girlfriend because for some reason my phone blocked incoming jail calls, a nice convenience for me. Anyway, he gets transferred to a hardcore county facility where the brothers were not so fun. I guess no one showed them the exquisite joy of monopoly, a healthy way to obtain power and dominion over the man. So......he gets a bit nervous being the only white boy in a place where guys have nothing to lose. He calls with his concerns for his well being and I convey a message.....cause I am really trying to do the tough love thing, yet I am a bit worried that the brothers may not find him as funny and charming as I do. So, I convey, through his girlfriend that if he really feels threatened he might want to suggest to the guards that he is nuts and he is going to kill himself thus throwing him into solitary and saving his ass for the night. So..... at some point, he tells the guards he is going to kill himself and they oblige him with a suite at the Solitary Hotel sans a blanket and pillow. So in his cell, he is without any comforts and they have taken his clothes and left him in a paper gown.

he complains to me later he was cold and I tell him what the hell do you want....safety or comfort? So he tells me that he was a creative sort and solved his problem. He utilized 2 rolls of toilet paper and wrapped himself up like a mummy with the toilet paper, this indeed kept him warm enough to sleep.....well, if they didn't think he was really nuts , it was fucking sealed at this point. Can you imagine these guards watching a nit wit in a solitary cell wrapping himself up like a mummy in toilet paper? it would have made my night to see it. so, he slept safely and awoke to a social worker that had to evaluate his sanity . She deemed him safe and gave him a blanket. Lucky for Ryan I got my friend Scott to get him from the pen and bring his smelly ass home, for a cost of 300.00 to me.

There will be many other stories later to prove my point.......he is my favorite ass monkey and I know where he got it from.....his ass monkey mother. It's all love......

It can always be worse

Just when you think you feel like a "fat ass" you stumble along a photo on the Internet that makes you not only smile but makes you so thankful that the "damage" you have to "control" is somewhat manageable.

One, let's give the girl credit for obviously not giving a shit. I admire those who can sincerely not give a shit or at least be drunk and not give a shit. That's real freedom!

Two, I'm sure this started out as a very nice club ensemble. I think I said that right. Don't we all look so hot before we go out? Make up perfect, kick ass shoes, dressed to show what we've got and hide what we don't want to see. Then comes the alcohol , the "nudie juice" and we lose all common sense. The only small blessing is that if you get drunk enough you don't even have to remember what you said or did until an asshole friend so kindly reminds you that you puked somewhere and told a coworker that you loved them in a not so appropritae way while there girlfriend was standing right next to them, Oooppppss.

I used to be a party girl. Remember the comedy"absolutly fabulous"? I always thought that would be me and my drunk friend as we got older. Not having the sense or will to stop our merriment ways and such. Looking back, I had a dandy riot and I miss those times, even when I was a drunk fallout girl. I was always worth more than a laugh and always ended up being a liability to someone at the end of the night.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yjdTo6JT8U8

Not only did I look like Patsy at one point Riitta, my friend looked like Eddy......not as bad though.

Our common modus operendi was to ditch work early, we were graphic artist with all the liberties that artists are given.Usually the initial discussion about the evening would start out at our liquor lunch. We would get back to our drawing boards, fuck around abit , get bored and decide to go to the fabric store to buy fabric a pattern and a 1/5th of rum. We get to one of our homes start drinking and sewing, end up with an amazing outfit....so we thought....and go out the bars and drink,laugh,drink,laugh,drink,laugh and of corse dance. I wasn't ever really into picking anyone up even when I was single. i just love to dance.....don't even care if I am the only one out there. When I was out there by myself i consoled myself with the idea that maybe I was so amazing noone felt comfortable in my aura of fabulousness when more than likely they were sitting there saying " Holy shit, look at that drunk bitch GO".

Who cares, I still don't when it comes to dancing, it's a miracle if I get out and I am somewhere where there is even a good tune to dance to. I owe all my mad groovin skills to American Bandstand and Soul Train.

Three, this drunk girl is still capable of not only being able to read but she can also follow directions. I wasn't very capable of that when I was drinking. It's a real pain in the ass to read when you are seeing quadruple and fuck directions.....no one was going to tell me what to do. yet, I never went to jail, I always thought I would just offer the officer "head" and be on my way. I never went to the ER from a drunken mishap, I just healed my various wounds at home. I have fallen many times and of course blamed whoever I was with, hell, I wasn't above or below blaming the crack in the sidewalk.

Oh for "youthful indiscretions", as my friend Scott says....there is no such thing. We are no where discreet in our youth, nor do we care. I long for those days when I changed men like my underwear, never made excuses for myself, getting drunk was an awesome pastime with minimal complication and retributions, make up was an art form and there was no problem with being violently sexy.

What the hell Happened to me......is this what marriage ends up doing to you? you settle into a mediocre routine, your spouse "starts to think your a part of the furniture" and you slowly diminish your light until you are just a spark, a tiny firefly light, just enough to remind you that you still have something left. What really is the value of a mature life? Does it all end up to be your dead body in a casket with people all around mumbling out whatever they can remember about you? The slow warm nods of people using benign words like"she was such a good person"? Ohhhh nooooo.....I want to die and when people are at my funeral I want each one of you to be snickering with some delicious evil rememberance of something I said or did that was so dead wrong it was right.I want stories to fly around the room of my deviant tales and escapades. I want all my old lovers to smile knowing that I loved them with all my soul had to give. I want to be missed as a person who pushed all the boundries of her little box outward until there were no sides left, no botton or top to the box, just wild wide open space. so expanded that I was everything and nothing in the breath of God. Yeah.....that sounds better than where I am now. I need to find my way back to my sexy spark, get some kindling wood, some big ass logs and let this bitch burn and blaze bright.

I have been a shitty family member

Tyler went to New York City for his spring break, he got bored and felt like leaving so I suggested he spend some time with my Sister & her family, my mother in Connecticut. It worked out and he went. Tyler dosn't look like the chubby kid he used to be,so it was a shock for everyone to see him.

Anyway, I have been a shitty family menber. I have made myself invisible to my family through this seperation/ divorce thing.I have not talked to my family, I have ignored birthdays and holidays and I can't even say why. I am sure that it has hurt my family and I am numb to the pain I must be causing. I talk about my family, lovingly, I am not angry with them, I hae no reason to push them away yet I have in a disrespectful manner. I can't even say I am embarrassed of my impengding divorce.....I am just sad. Sad that all things do end.

Ty was here last night and we were supposed to talk but Lisa was over and Scott, my new roomate was here and we all had a nice time talking politics and sharing powerful thoughts and images from Youtube regarding politics. So I went upstairs to bed at some point and watched him sleep. He sleeps deep and well. Appears to have no worries, at least none that keep him awake. It started to thunder outside with the occasional spark of lightening, opened the window to hear and smell the spectacle of the storm.....I love storms, the bring out a passion and longing in me that I don't understand yet love. He slept, I thought.

I thought of every thought, my worries piled up like laundry before payday, he slept. I thought about the house I may be losing, he slept. I thought about how shitty my self esteem was and how I could feel all this extra fat on me and he slept. i drifted into nightmares where my unworthiness was intensified and my lonliness was under attack from me, he slept. I watched the shy lighten into morning, he woke up and got out of bed to go have coffeee with his friends before work. he never sat with me and had coffee before work, He would always get up at the last minute, put himself together as guys do and leave....there was never time or need for him to connect with me. Now Ty has time to connect with friends...... I am not one of them.

There is nothing more painful than to see love die and not be able to do anything about it. One person bleeds out, the other person watches and thinks about where they want to go next. they stick around out of some morbid pity as a consolation prize to make you feel that they care, and the last breath you take, you know....... you really don't matter to them anymore.

On that shitty little note......I have to go to work and heal and comfort the masses.....the photo above is Tyler and my mother.....more on that later. Groovy love to all of us that deserve it and more to those who don't.

Stealing pictures of Tyler

Once in awhile I find treasures. This is a treasure to me. Any picture of my boys is worth more to me than any other object. I don't know the story or the technique used but I feel I can see his soul in this picture. He is such a good soul. When we argue it's fair, his words are wise and I end up being a better person for it in the end. I can't believe I didn't screw him up raising him, maybe I did and he overcame it anyway, like I did.
I miss him.

Got everything I need here......drinking Baily's from a shoe

Need a dumb ass laugh? I usually do.....these guys are funny, The Mighty Boosh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_hMnT44Etk

holding on to what you know, letting go of what you know is there

OK, dipped into the familiar dirt of what I know is rich. Ty came over last night.Words seem elusive and constrained to the two of us.It's like you are with someone you have known for all the ages and at the same time they are completely an unknown to you. I look at him and try to wrap my head around the fact that we have been together almost 10 years and I don't know who he is yet he is all I know at this time.What a contradiction. He is a vague memory of better days. He looks at me and through me like I am not there.It is so uncomfortable. yet, that didn't stop me from getting all that I could from his body.

I was hoping that some kind of magic would be stirred up, the sex would be better than it had been in it's routine of marriage. I was hoping that the distance of time between us would create an unquenchable thirst for each others skin. It didn't. Sex was predictable, there. It wasn't anything I was hoping to be except sex. In the middle of the night I reached over to hold him and try to feel some warmth and love. he sleeps deep and isn't ever aware that I am awake thinking of him. trying to infuse him with my love like I have the power to cast a spell. I don't apparently. But there was a day long time ago when I was a magic spell to him. A cascading downpour of mystery that unfolded unto him. Where does all that magic go? it's like starting a bonfire and being dazzeled in the monsterous flames, not noticing that they are subdueing, getting smaller. Still providing heat yet not so intense as before.....until it just becomes a big ass chore to even maintain the embers. You keep moving closer to the fire yet feeling colder with each scoot forward of your lawn chair. You even try to change your position of the chair in a different place around the fire and there is still no relief. Not only are you cold, you know it's going to get colder. the only good thing embers are for is for melting marshmellows and watching the orange hues dance through the dead wood. That's what last night felt like. I felt like I was kicking around the embers, poking the hell out of them for a last hurrah of warmth, that's all it was.

I woke him up to get what I could from a nocturnal firmness he was holding hostage from me. He obliged me with a quickie yet it seemed like it was a chore to him. A token, a consolation prize. A crumb to the hungry girl begging for her food. Sex seems like work for Ty. I have never dealt with this animal before. I am not used to a man who don't pig out at the all you can eat buffet of bootie. It is very difficult for me to understand.

Anyway, he awoke in the AM and started to gather some of his misc belongings, with his familiar bitching throughout the task. It's hard to miss him when he is like that. he talks to himself and bitches about the most mundane and inoculous things. I couldn't wait for him to leave.



Then he walked out the door and I thought he was leaving, all those shitty "little girl" feeling came rushing in and I felt unloved, abandoned. I hate feeling that way, I am a grown woman for Christ's sake. He came back in and gave me that "one night stand" thank you, with a vague reference to calling me later. I hate that too.



I am considering being a slut. I used to be one. I had a riot. I didn't need all that mushy love stuff at the time I just needed validity that I was sexy and I loved sex and had fun. I never cried during those years. I didn't feel bad. I just used men a my personal playground and enjoyed the ride.I am sure they were just as happy. maybe it's time to consider the old way, this grown up responsible way of conducting oneself with expected dignity.....sucks.

Sleep is my new heroin

It's a sad state of affairs when the hottest sexiest thing you can desire is your bed, not for sex, but for sleep. I am on day 8 of a nurse-a-thon and I am beginning to really know what dead ass tired means. It's a game I am playing with myself to see if I can do it. Work everyday this month except 2 days. I figure a farmer busts his ass for more than 12 hours a day in a tough environment for much less money than I do, so let's see what I am made of.

I have been floating all the bills for awhile now. Ty has been out of the house for 6 weeks now and his only contribution thus far has been 150.00. Tha's a really helpfull amount when the motgage is 1600.00 and the utilities are about 400.00 a month and the cars needed their yearly tabs, the dogs needed their dog licences with vet appointments prior to get shots, blah,blah,blah....Last week I was behind in a notorious way with the heat bill and in my child like mind, I thought they would just wait until I got my head out of my ass and noticed it was seriously behind. My son calls at work at says "Hey, I think they turned off the gas, cause I was making a grilled cheese sandwhich and the stove just went tick,tick,tick.....no gas. SHIT! Not a good thing in the winter. So, I called and realized that there is no sympathy for a dumb ass who can't get her shit together and the wanted alot of money as well as a deposit. Pay day is 5 days away. So, the nice guy stuck listening to me be a winer states that if I call the next day they might be able to lower the price and my reply is well, they can lower it to 2.00 and I will still have to wait until pay day. So.....we froze our asses off for 4 days. I felt bad I wasn't able to explain to the dogs why it was warmer outside than inside but they are animals and they adapted with the help of blankets. Thought about starting a fire and the flu on the fireplace broke leaving it shut. NICE! So, we got creative with space heaters at night. A bowl of boiling water in the microwave and some washcloths can be an acceptable way to keep your face, crotch and pits from being too odiferous and I had to live with some bad hair days. I felt like I was camping. Many layers of clothes to sleep in, every blanket engaged in the action and encouraging the dogs to really sleep with us. It was our treat not theirs.

So, in the middle of this "little house on the prairie" experience, I am talking to Ty on the phone, he knows what we are going through and tries to be empathetic, emphasis on the "pathetic" and states he knows what we are going through. I think then say, You asshole, you don't know what we are going through. You have heat, you ass nugget. So, the girl that's busts her ass at work, at her marraige and her self growth, can't keep up, loses heat and the ability to shower for my job so I don't stink as much as the people I care for and this lame-tard has heat. The guy who feels unfufilled at his 56,00 a year job and gets fired for being an ass.....takes 11 months off 3 of which did not include dinky unemployment,....does nothing in the house for these 11 months and tells me he knows what it's like to suffer, with or without heat.

I think he wants me to kick him in the balls, he's asking for it.
There is really a time for God to come down and bitch slap people.....
this is certainly a time in my head.

Although I can really laugh at this I know I am insanely capable of surviving and becoming stronger....I wonder how strong am I going to get. how strong do I have to be? Will I end up being so strong there are only weak men left to pick from? Up to this point in my life, I have not been too impressed with the strenghth of the men I have known.

Note to self: Need to get better at becoming so strong that I can only see strong in the men I pick and stop.....for whatever reason. picking men that are weak in their nature.

I want a challenge, a real challenge. I want to go head to head with a strong mate and push each other forward with determination and positive leadership reflected in the two of us as individuals as well as a couple. Weak & lazy people are exausting to me, they require far more work than they are worth.Maybe it's because I get angry that I was never allowed to be weak. It wasn't acceptable to my parents and although I really thank them for my strenghth, I sometimes want to be a little helpless girl that gets taken care of. carried to bed, tucked in and told that everything is taken care of and it will all be alright.I want to fall apart and have my partner pick up all the peices and arrange them into a pretty picture.

But then I would become all that I find distasteful..... a weak and lazy person with a spouse that hates me because I drag them down, so.....for now, I choose to remain strong and capable, freezing my ass of in a cold shower before I ask for help. It didn't kill me, it just made me really, really cold.

Where do I begin to tell the story . . . . .

Today was not a good day......maybe it's because I have been off my Prozac for a few days and the Seratonin levels might be taking a shit dive. I think I almost cried today at least 4 times. Anything that had a bit of depth to it ,made me think how difficult the drama of life can be. So, first thing to do tomorrow is pick up my long overdue script refill for my "happy ass pills" and eat a handful to catch up.

When I think about being single again, I don't have thoughts that yeild a "Hell Yeh" attitude.

I feel that I have failed in a classic, cliche way. The older woman loses the younger husband to the other woman who happens to be named"I don't give a Shit". It's funny how the little piles of shit collect on the floor & you should be able to smell them but your sub-conscious says
" Hey..... you really don't want to smell that shit, never mind pick it up", so you dodge the land-mines and skip around the shit. Of course the shit just piles up as the days dribble on and soon enough, the whole house is full of shit and it has a name..... your marriage.

Ohhhh, the lovely gift of hindsight laughs in your face & says"hahahaha, told ya!"

I think he stopped caring along time ago. We would have to ask him why and he will just say he dosn't know. Always a convenient answer when you don't want to slay your opponent,cause it's more fun to wait and go in for the kill at a future date. He doesn't have an answer for any of my questions.

When I said " I Do", I had a very clear idea what that ment. The idea is still the same but his idea changed so here we are.

I am so honored that I get to be a nurse. My calling allows me a perspective that most people don't get on the full helpless human fall from grace. My worst day still will never be as bad as what we see. I feel guilty morning my losses because the seem shallow in the eyes that see much worse.

A woman lost her husband yesterday, he fell off the ladder and lambasted his head on the concrete below him. The only blessing was he died before the Neurosurgeons got to him. Anyway, I wonder what their last words to each other were?

Did she warn him not to get up there because she knew he wasn't the man he used to be. A seventy year old man on a ladder has more balance issues thatn a man at 30. Or did she just finish bitching him out for not getting the Christmas lights down until March? Did he have something to prove gettting on the ladder or did he have no one he could call to do this task for him? Who Knows.....God slapped down the trump card and he earned his ticket on the God bus.

When I was alittle girl, my Dad always said we had to leave each other with"I love you" because an event might occur and we wouldn't see each other again. Love was always the sentiment to be left with each other at partings and at the times of arrivals.

Can I even say "I love you" to my husband as he walks away from me and all that we have made together?Can I be that big.....not right now. I am angry. I had a thought today and it involved my husband standing in front of me, motionless,suspended in his animation and I was going to be allowed one swift furious hard kick to his sack. Now granted this is not an easy thought. The best part of any man I have ever loved is his Penis. Yes. I have a shallow end to my pool. The thought of doing any damage to this most spectacular peice of anotomy is simply appauling, yet I wanted to kick him square in the nuts. Afterall, if I can't have what I have loved so dearly for the past 9 years, why should anyone else get that bliss.

Think about it.....Lorena Bobbitt must have really had no use at all for that penis if she felt there was absolutely nothing to be wasted or regreted by chopping it off. Recklessly tossing it into a field hoping it would be chipmunk food or an ant pizza party.Just thinking about that whole thing makes me silly with laughter. You know why the surgeons so desperately tried to sew that bitch back on......they wanted to make sure it was damn possible in case anyone wacked their weinie off. Then to make the shit sandwhich sweeter, he makes a porn movie after called "UNCUT". If your dick and all that it is attatched to is sooooo bad your wife cuts it off, maybe porn isn't a good career choice for you.

Now......don't get me wrong , Lorena was wrong. You have to be a wack nut to really do something like that. We can all imagine things wicked to cope with what we have no control over. The theater of my mind is not a pretty place sometimes but either I work it out there or I find my way to a bottle and I find alchololism boring. Plus, I have the attention span of a gnat so I can't really hold a grudge for long.

What this all gets down to is I miss my husband's body.When all else fails, this is the one thing that has kept me around, "dickmatized", distracted, not smelling the accumulating piles of shit around me.It kept me holding onto hope that things would get better with time and love. It helped me to remember when we fell in love and when he desired me. That's gone now and at 45 years old, it's hard to imagine a glorious comeback, with him or anyone.

Pardon me while I wallow abit. Trust me, I know it always gets better, I am always climbing the ladder, I have not had to step down.

I only hope that I don't get to the top like our patient did....and fall.....and die because I couldn't keep my balance anymore.