Stealing pictures of Tyler

Once in awhile I find treasures. This is a treasure to me. Any picture of my boys is worth more to me than any other object. I don't know the story or the technique used but I feel I can see his soul in this picture. He is such a good soul. When we argue it's fair, his words are wise and I end up being a better person for it in the end. I can't believe I didn't screw him up raising him, maybe I did and he overcame it anyway, like I did.
I miss him.

Got everything I need here......drinking Baily's from a shoe

Need a dumb ass laugh? I usually do.....these guys are funny, The Mighty Boosh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_hMnT44Etk

holding on to what you know, letting go of what you know is there

OK, dipped into the familiar dirt of what I know is rich. Ty came over last night.Words seem elusive and constrained to the two of us.It's like you are with someone you have known for all the ages and at the same time they are completely an unknown to you. I look at him and try to wrap my head around the fact that we have been together almost 10 years and I don't know who he is yet he is all I know at this time.What a contradiction. He is a vague memory of better days. He looks at me and through me like I am not there.It is so uncomfortable. yet, that didn't stop me from getting all that I could from his body.

I was hoping that some kind of magic would be stirred up, the sex would be better than it had been in it's routine of marriage. I was hoping that the distance of time between us would create an unquenchable thirst for each others skin. It didn't. Sex was predictable, there. It wasn't anything I was hoping to be except sex. In the middle of the night I reached over to hold him and try to feel some warmth and love. he sleeps deep and isn't ever aware that I am awake thinking of him. trying to infuse him with my love like I have the power to cast a spell. I don't apparently. But there was a day long time ago when I was a magic spell to him. A cascading downpour of mystery that unfolded unto him. Where does all that magic go? it's like starting a bonfire and being dazzeled in the monsterous flames, not noticing that they are subdueing, getting smaller. Still providing heat yet not so intense as before.....until it just becomes a big ass chore to even maintain the embers. You keep moving closer to the fire yet feeling colder with each scoot forward of your lawn chair. You even try to change your position of the chair in a different place around the fire and there is still no relief. Not only are you cold, you know it's going to get colder. the only good thing embers are for is for melting marshmellows and watching the orange hues dance through the dead wood. That's what last night felt like. I felt like I was kicking around the embers, poking the hell out of them for a last hurrah of warmth, that's all it was.

I woke him up to get what I could from a nocturnal firmness he was holding hostage from me. He obliged me with a quickie yet it seemed like it was a chore to him. A token, a consolation prize. A crumb to the hungry girl begging for her food. Sex seems like work for Ty. I have never dealt with this animal before. I am not used to a man who don't pig out at the all you can eat buffet of bootie. It is very difficult for me to understand.

Anyway, he awoke in the AM and started to gather some of his misc belongings, with his familiar bitching throughout the task. It's hard to miss him when he is like that. he talks to himself and bitches about the most mundane and inoculous things. I couldn't wait for him to leave.



Then he walked out the door and I thought he was leaving, all those shitty "little girl" feeling came rushing in and I felt unloved, abandoned. I hate feeling that way, I am a grown woman for Christ's sake. He came back in and gave me that "one night stand" thank you, with a vague reference to calling me later. I hate that too.



I am considering being a slut. I used to be one. I had a riot. I didn't need all that mushy love stuff at the time I just needed validity that I was sexy and I loved sex and had fun. I never cried during those years. I didn't feel bad. I just used men a my personal playground and enjoyed the ride.I am sure they were just as happy. maybe it's time to consider the old way, this grown up responsible way of conducting oneself with expected dignity.....sucks.

Sleep is my new heroin

It's a sad state of affairs when the hottest sexiest thing you can desire is your bed, not for sex, but for sleep. I am on day 8 of a nurse-a-thon and I am beginning to really know what dead ass tired means. It's a game I am playing with myself to see if I can do it. Work everyday this month except 2 days. I figure a farmer busts his ass for more than 12 hours a day in a tough environment for much less money than I do, so let's see what I am made of.

I have been floating all the bills for awhile now. Ty has been out of the house for 6 weeks now and his only contribution thus far has been 150.00. Tha's a really helpfull amount when the motgage is 1600.00 and the utilities are about 400.00 a month and the cars needed their yearly tabs, the dogs needed their dog licences with vet appointments prior to get shots, blah,blah,blah....Last week I was behind in a notorious way with the heat bill and in my child like mind, I thought they would just wait until I got my head out of my ass and noticed it was seriously behind. My son calls at work at says "Hey, I think they turned off the gas, cause I was making a grilled cheese sandwhich and the stove just went tick,tick,tick.....no gas. SHIT! Not a good thing in the winter. So, I called and realized that there is no sympathy for a dumb ass who can't get her shit together and the wanted alot of money as well as a deposit. Pay day is 5 days away. So, the nice guy stuck listening to me be a winer states that if I call the next day they might be able to lower the price and my reply is well, they can lower it to 2.00 and I will still have to wait until pay day. So.....we froze our asses off for 4 days. I felt bad I wasn't able to explain to the dogs why it was warmer outside than inside but they are animals and they adapted with the help of blankets. Thought about starting a fire and the flu on the fireplace broke leaving it shut. NICE! So, we got creative with space heaters at night. A bowl of boiling water in the microwave and some washcloths can be an acceptable way to keep your face, crotch and pits from being too odiferous and I had to live with some bad hair days. I felt like I was camping. Many layers of clothes to sleep in, every blanket engaged in the action and encouraging the dogs to really sleep with us. It was our treat not theirs.

So, in the middle of this "little house on the prairie" experience, I am talking to Ty on the phone, he knows what we are going through and tries to be empathetic, emphasis on the "pathetic" and states he knows what we are going through. I think then say, You asshole, you don't know what we are going through. You have heat, you ass nugget. So, the girl that's busts her ass at work, at her marraige and her self growth, can't keep up, loses heat and the ability to shower for my job so I don't stink as much as the people I care for and this lame-tard has heat. The guy who feels unfufilled at his 56,00 a year job and gets fired for being an ass.....takes 11 months off 3 of which did not include dinky unemployment,....does nothing in the house for these 11 months and tells me he knows what it's like to suffer, with or without heat.

I think he wants me to kick him in the balls, he's asking for it.
There is really a time for God to come down and bitch slap people.....
this is certainly a time in my head.

Although I can really laugh at this I know I am insanely capable of surviving and becoming stronger....I wonder how strong am I going to get. how strong do I have to be? Will I end up being so strong there are only weak men left to pick from? Up to this point in my life, I have not been too impressed with the strenghth of the men I have known.

Note to self: Need to get better at becoming so strong that I can only see strong in the men I pick and stop.....for whatever reason. picking men that are weak in their nature.

I want a challenge, a real challenge. I want to go head to head with a strong mate and push each other forward with determination and positive leadership reflected in the two of us as individuals as well as a couple. Weak & lazy people are exausting to me, they require far more work than they are worth.Maybe it's because I get angry that I was never allowed to be weak. It wasn't acceptable to my parents and although I really thank them for my strenghth, I sometimes want to be a little helpless girl that gets taken care of. carried to bed, tucked in and told that everything is taken care of and it will all be alright.I want to fall apart and have my partner pick up all the peices and arrange them into a pretty picture.

But then I would become all that I find distasteful..... a weak and lazy person with a spouse that hates me because I drag them down, so.....for now, I choose to remain strong and capable, freezing my ass of in a cold shower before I ask for help. It didn't kill me, it just made me really, really cold.

Where do I begin to tell the story . . . . .

Today was not a good day......maybe it's because I have been off my Prozac for a few days and the Seratonin levels might be taking a shit dive. I think I almost cried today at least 4 times. Anything that had a bit of depth to it ,made me think how difficult the drama of life can be. So, first thing to do tomorrow is pick up my long overdue script refill for my "happy ass pills" and eat a handful to catch up.

When I think about being single again, I don't have thoughts that yeild a "Hell Yeh" attitude.

I feel that I have failed in a classic, cliche way. The older woman loses the younger husband to the other woman who happens to be named"I don't give a Shit". It's funny how the little piles of shit collect on the floor & you should be able to smell them but your sub-conscious says
" Hey..... you really don't want to smell that shit, never mind pick it up", so you dodge the land-mines and skip around the shit. Of course the shit just piles up as the days dribble on and soon enough, the whole house is full of shit and it has a name..... your marriage.

Ohhhh, the lovely gift of hindsight laughs in your face & says"hahahaha, told ya!"

I think he stopped caring along time ago. We would have to ask him why and he will just say he dosn't know. Always a convenient answer when you don't want to slay your opponent,cause it's more fun to wait and go in for the kill at a future date. He doesn't have an answer for any of my questions.

When I said " I Do", I had a very clear idea what that ment. The idea is still the same but his idea changed so here we are.

I am so honored that I get to be a nurse. My calling allows me a perspective that most people don't get on the full helpless human fall from grace. My worst day still will never be as bad as what we see. I feel guilty morning my losses because the seem shallow in the eyes that see much worse.

A woman lost her husband yesterday, he fell off the ladder and lambasted his head on the concrete below him. The only blessing was he died before the Neurosurgeons got to him. Anyway, I wonder what their last words to each other were?

Did she warn him not to get up there because she knew he wasn't the man he used to be. A seventy year old man on a ladder has more balance issues thatn a man at 30. Or did she just finish bitching him out for not getting the Christmas lights down until March? Did he have something to prove gettting on the ladder or did he have no one he could call to do this task for him? Who Knows.....God slapped down the trump card and he earned his ticket on the God bus.

When I was alittle girl, my Dad always said we had to leave each other with"I love you" because an event might occur and we wouldn't see each other again. Love was always the sentiment to be left with each other at partings and at the times of arrivals.

Can I even say "I love you" to my husband as he walks away from me and all that we have made together?Can I be that big.....not right now. I am angry. I had a thought today and it involved my husband standing in front of me, motionless,suspended in his animation and I was going to be allowed one swift furious hard kick to his sack. Now granted this is not an easy thought. The best part of any man I have ever loved is his Penis. Yes. I have a shallow end to my pool. The thought of doing any damage to this most spectacular peice of anotomy is simply appauling, yet I wanted to kick him square in the nuts. Afterall, if I can't have what I have loved so dearly for the past 9 years, why should anyone else get that bliss.

Think about it.....Lorena Bobbitt must have really had no use at all for that penis if she felt there was absolutely nothing to be wasted or regreted by chopping it off. Recklessly tossing it into a field hoping it would be chipmunk food or an ant pizza party.Just thinking about that whole thing makes me silly with laughter. You know why the surgeons so desperately tried to sew that bitch back on......they wanted to make sure it was damn possible in case anyone wacked their weinie off. Then to make the shit sandwhich sweeter, he makes a porn movie after called "UNCUT". If your dick and all that it is attatched to is sooooo bad your wife cuts it off, maybe porn isn't a good career choice for you.

Now......don't get me wrong , Lorena was wrong. You have to be a wack nut to really do something like that. We can all imagine things wicked to cope with what we have no control over. The theater of my mind is not a pretty place sometimes but either I work it out there or I find my way to a bottle and I find alchololism boring. Plus, I have the attention span of a gnat so I can't really hold a grudge for long.

What this all gets down to is I miss my husband's body.When all else fails, this is the one thing that has kept me around, "dickmatized", distracted, not smelling the accumulating piles of shit around me.It kept me holding onto hope that things would get better with time and love. It helped me to remember when we fell in love and when he desired me. That's gone now and at 45 years old, it's hard to imagine a glorious comeback, with him or anyone.

Pardon me while I wallow abit. Trust me, I know it always gets better, I am always climbing the ladder, I have not had to step down.

I only hope that I don't get to the top like our patient did....and fall.....and die because I couldn't keep my balance anymore.