Sleep is my new heroin

It's a sad state of affairs when the hottest sexiest thing you can desire is your bed, not for sex, but for sleep. I am on day 8 of a nurse-a-thon and I am beginning to really know what dead ass tired means. It's a game I am playing with myself to see if I can do it. Work everyday this month except 2 days. I figure a farmer busts his ass for more than 12 hours a day in a tough environment for much less money than I do, so let's see what I am made of.

I have been floating all the bills for awhile now. Ty has been out of the house for 6 weeks now and his only contribution thus far has been 150.00. Tha's a really helpfull amount when the motgage is 1600.00 and the utilities are about 400.00 a month and the cars needed their yearly tabs, the dogs needed their dog licences with vet appointments prior to get shots, blah,blah,blah....Last week I was behind in a notorious way with the heat bill and in my child like mind, I thought they would just wait until I got my head out of my ass and noticed it was seriously behind. My son calls at work at says "Hey, I think they turned off the gas, cause I was making a grilled cheese sandwhich and the stove just went tick,tick,tick.....no gas. SHIT! Not a good thing in the winter. So, I called and realized that there is no sympathy for a dumb ass who can't get her shit together and the wanted alot of money as well as a deposit. Pay day is 5 days away. So, the nice guy stuck listening to me be a winer states that if I call the next day they might be able to lower the price and my reply is well, they can lower it to 2.00 and I will still have to wait until pay day. So.....we froze our asses off for 4 days. I felt bad I wasn't able to explain to the dogs why it was warmer outside than inside but they are animals and they adapted with the help of blankets. Thought about starting a fire and the flu on the fireplace broke leaving it shut. NICE! So, we got creative with space heaters at night. A bowl of boiling water in the microwave and some washcloths can be an acceptable way to keep your face, crotch and pits from being too odiferous and I had to live with some bad hair days. I felt like I was camping. Many layers of clothes to sleep in, every blanket engaged in the action and encouraging the dogs to really sleep with us. It was our treat not theirs.

So, in the middle of this "little house on the prairie" experience, I am talking to Ty on the phone, he knows what we are going through and tries to be empathetic, emphasis on the "pathetic" and states he knows what we are going through. I think then say, You asshole, you don't know what we are going through. You have heat, you ass nugget. So, the girl that's busts her ass at work, at her marraige and her self growth, can't keep up, loses heat and the ability to shower for my job so I don't stink as much as the people I care for and this lame-tard has heat. The guy who feels unfufilled at his 56,00 a year job and gets fired for being an ass.....takes 11 months off 3 of which did not include dinky unemployment,....does nothing in the house for these 11 months and tells me he knows what it's like to suffer, with or without heat.

I think he wants me to kick him in the balls, he's asking for it.
There is really a time for God to come down and bitch slap people.....
this is certainly a time in my head.

Although I can really laugh at this I know I am insanely capable of surviving and becoming stronger....I wonder how strong am I going to get. how strong do I have to be? Will I end up being so strong there are only weak men left to pick from? Up to this point in my life, I have not been too impressed with the strenghth of the men I have known.

Note to self: Need to get better at becoming so strong that I can only see strong in the men I pick and stop.....for whatever reason. picking men that are weak in their nature.

I want a challenge, a real challenge. I want to go head to head with a strong mate and push each other forward with determination and positive leadership reflected in the two of us as individuals as well as a couple. Weak & lazy people are exausting to me, they require far more work than they are worth.Maybe it's because I get angry that I was never allowed to be weak. It wasn't acceptable to my parents and although I really thank them for my strenghth, I sometimes want to be a little helpless girl that gets taken care of. carried to bed, tucked in and told that everything is taken care of and it will all be alright.I want to fall apart and have my partner pick up all the peices and arrange them into a pretty picture.

But then I would become all that I find distasteful..... a weak and lazy person with a spouse that hates me because I drag them down, so.....for now, I choose to remain strong and capable, freezing my ass of in a cold shower before I ask for help. It didn't kill me, it just made me really, really cold.