I call him "Ass Monkey" for a reason.

OK.....if there is anyone who reads this and knows me.....you know that I have been working 12 hour days and from March 1st to April 12th, I have had 4 days off. Why? you ask.....cause in my idiot head, I was thinking that if I work some more I will make money to pay bills and keep the house afloat. Well, the universe had some other ideas for my money.

Lets start at the beginning of this little tale of woe. Ryan my son, who has been a simple work of art for me since and even prior to his arrival.....seems to be unusually disconnected to the reality we all share. He is a Leo and he is represented by the sun in his astrological place in the sky which of course makes him the center of everything . When he was little, we called him " King Louie the 14Th, the Sun King" for his grandiose ideas of his separateness from everything else the rest of us are responsible for. i know, he starting to sound like a serial killer at this point but hold on.

Every year of school was a nightmare and every teacher wanted to love him because he is also like that. But he is also sooooo capable of being the biggest asshole. There was a point in 6th grade where they had to do this full psychological battery of tests to determine if he was having a learning disability or a deep psychological disorder, yeah..... let find out what that might be. Well anyway, in 6th grade, he had the reading level of a college student and had no discerning learning disability. They gave him a diagnosis of " Oppositional defiance Disorder". As I am sitting in the office with all these education professional, watching them seriously deliver Ryan's diagnosis, they give me this horrible news. yet good news, because we now have a diagnosis. I start laughing, I mean really laughing and they don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

So, I say to them.......Awesome....he's an ASSHOLE. When did we come out with a diagnosis for being an asshole? That would have come in handy when I was a kid in school.

Well anyway,my kids don't go to jail for anything big or worthy, for which I should be happy but they go to jail for dumb ass things. here is Ryan's criminal history....

age 15: steals an American flag because his friend was too much of a pussy to do it and Ryan wanted to show him how to be a man. Almost got his ass kicked from a crazed neighbor chasing the boys with a baseball bat because I guess this asshole sits up at 2:30 in the AM waiting for these atrocities to occur. Cops bring the kids home and we all return the flag to the elderly couple who didn't know that it was gone or why 15 year olds needed a flag so bad.

age16: Ryan is with some friends in a Meijers in Grand Haven when he is dared to steal a CD, value of 16.00. Let's not forget to mention the point that I have an I tunes account for which I am very generous in allowing my kids to buy music. So he steals it to show his balls are bigger than the others and gets caught.We go to Ottawa court house where they apparently don't have any mercy for first offenders nor do they have a payment plan like Muskegon. His fine 250.00 to be paid ASAP or the boy goes to jail.So, i write a bad check for 250.00 and pay my overdraft fee of 37.00 to save him from the perils of jail time.Also gets a civil fine from meijers for 200.00, right.

age18: I am vague about this stuff but he gets a ticket for driving his car without his license. Does not pay it, gets pulled over again and goes to jail.Sits in jail for the night playing "monopoly with the brothers", apparently had a great time except for not getting his 200.00 for passing GO because the brothers said he was white and didn't need the money so they took it and split it up among themselves.Cost to bail him out the next day 100.00 and a payment plan to pay the rest of his fees. Also at this time he gets a parking ticket in Lansing and doesn't pay. Somewhere along the way, his car gets towed and impounded. Dad pulls the car out, pays the parking tickets and gets the car home, cost 250.00. We still have the ticket unpaid for the lack of license, he gets pulled over and thrown in jail again. There he sits and I pay his bail, about 150.00 and he pays the rest. So now for over a year sits some misdemeanor traffic crime in Lansing that I am not even aware of except I am told there is something on his record when I pay to reinstate his license 40.00. So I tell him and give him the number to call to address this, he doesn't. he goes to Lansing the other night and I remind him of the outstanding something and he blows me off.

Guess who gets pulled over?

Ryan then goes to jail in Lansing county, I get the call from his friends at 2am. I knew right away he was in jail. What sucked was he was in Lansing, now I love my boys but a Lansing road trip was not in the cards for me.Plus I was just pissed at the inconvenience of it all. So the next 2 days unfold with numerous calls to his girlfriend because for some reason my phone blocked incoming jail calls, a nice convenience for me. Anyway, he gets transferred to a hardcore county facility where the brothers were not so fun. I guess no one showed them the exquisite joy of monopoly, a healthy way to obtain power and dominion over the man. So......he gets a bit nervous being the only white boy in a place where guys have nothing to lose. He calls with his concerns for his well being and I convey a message.....cause I am really trying to do the tough love thing, yet I am a bit worried that the brothers may not find him as funny and charming as I do. So, I convey, through his girlfriend that if he really feels threatened he might want to suggest to the guards that he is nuts and he is going to kill himself thus throwing him into solitary and saving his ass for the night. So..... at some point, he tells the guards he is going to kill himself and they oblige him with a suite at the Solitary Hotel sans a blanket and pillow. So in his cell, he is without any comforts and they have taken his clothes and left him in a paper gown.

he complains to me later he was cold and I tell him what the hell do you want....safety or comfort? So he tells me that he was a creative sort and solved his problem. He utilized 2 rolls of toilet paper and wrapped himself up like a mummy with the toilet paper, this indeed kept him warm enough to sleep.....well, if they didn't think he was really nuts , it was fucking sealed at this point. Can you imagine these guards watching a nit wit in a solitary cell wrapping himself up like a mummy in toilet paper? it would have made my night to see it. so, he slept safely and awoke to a social worker that had to evaluate his sanity . She deemed him safe and gave him a blanket. Lucky for Ryan I got my friend Scott to get him from the pen and bring his smelly ass home, for a cost of 300.00 to me.

There will be many other stories later to prove my point.......he is my favorite ass monkey and I know where he got it from.....his ass monkey mother. It's all love......