Tyler went to New York City for his spring break, he got bored and felt like leaving so I suggested he spend some time with my Sister & her family, my mother in Connecticut. It worked out and he went. Tyler dosn't look like the chubby kid he used to be,so it was a shock for everyone to see him.
Anyway, I have been a shitty family menber. I have made myself invisible to my family through this seperation/ divorce thing.I have not talked to my family, I have ignored birthdays and holidays and I can't even say why. I am sure that it has hurt my family and I am numb to the pain I must be causing. I talk about my family, lovingly, I am not angry with them, I hae no reason to push them away yet I have in a disrespectful manner. I can't even say I am embarrassed of my impengding divorce.....I am just sad. Sad that all things do end.
Ty was here last night and we were supposed to talk but Lisa was over and Scott, my new roomate was here and we all had a nice time talking politics and sharing powerful thoughts and images from Youtube regarding politics. So I went upstairs to bed at some point and watched him sleep. He sleeps deep and well. Appears to have no worries, at least none that keep him awake. It started to thunder outside with the occasional spark of lightening, opened the window to hear and smell the spectacle of the storm.....I love storms, the bring out a passion and longing in me that I don't understand yet love. He slept, I thought.
I thought of every thought, my worries piled up like laundry before payday, he slept. I thought about the house I may be losing, he slept. I thought about how shitty my self esteem was and how I could feel all this extra fat on me and he slept. i drifted into nightmares where my unworthiness was intensified and my lonliness was under attack from me, he slept. I watched the shy lighten into morning, he woke up and got out of bed to go have coffeee with his friends before work. he never sat with me and had coffee before work, He would always get up at the last minute, put himself together as guys do and leave....there was never time or need for him to connect with me. Now Ty has time to connect with friends...... I am not one of them.
There is nothing more painful than to see love die and not be able to do anything about it. One person bleeds out, the other person watches and thinks about where they want to go next. they stick around out of some morbid pity as a consolation prize to make you feel that they care, and the last breath you take, you know....... you really don't matter to them anymore.
On that shitty little note......I have to go to work and heal and comfort the masses.....the photo above is Tyler and my mother.....more on that later. Groovy love to all of us that deserve it and more to those who don't.
2 comments:
Hi there, it's Corey from work.
I don't think there's any harm done so long as you eventually talk to your family about not being present. You may find they can be more supportive than you expect.
I wanted to comment on your skill with prose. You seem very capable of creating themes and illustrating those themes within a post using creative diction. I'm impressed, and encourage you to continue blogging, as what you're able to do is rather rare.
Love those around you. Stay wonderful. See you soon :)
HMM what to say to that.. Maybe Tyler's sleep comes from knowing he has good friends and a great mother he can rely on? maybe it was just enough to know his mom was there..
You should sleep well tonight knowing you have good friends too..
and for the record, I'd drink coffee with you before work anyday..
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